In the endless search for marginal gains, FDJ-Suez riders are using a recovery/meditation chamber after each stage during the Tour de France Femmes. It’s called the Rebalance Impulse.
The goal is to relax, de-stress, reset the body’s natural rhythms and promote healing and deeper sleep. Like altitude tents, it’s another tool in the arsenal of teams looking for an edge. According to some riders in the FDJ squad the primary goal is relaxation while for others the guided meditations have proven effective in getting them ready to perform at a higher level the next day.
This got us to thinking here at Twisted Spoke. Being a male, a man, a Ken to reference the over-hyped Barbie movie, we can’t necessarily imagine what Les Femmes in the Tour would need in terms of a guided meditation.
However, after watching the men for three weeks in this year’s Tour, we have a good idea what their beneficial guided meditations might sound like. Here are four carefully curated ones we recommend.
Meditation 1
Take a deep breathe and a long, slow exhale.
Imagine you are on a mountain.
You are strong. Your legs are powerful.
You crush your rivals like they are cockroaches.
Because they are cockroaches.
They deserve to die as you ride away, their legs exploding, their confidence shattered.
Crush the little cockroaches.
Watch the juice stain the road as you fly away.
They are pathetic, they are nobody, they are your prey.
Now two deep breaths, exhale, chill.
Meditation 2 (the Jens Voigt visualization)
Take a deep breathe and a long, slow exhale.
Close your eyes. Picture yourself on your race bike.
You are floating up mountains.
You feel no pain. No stress.
All around you riders are dying.
Your legs are imposing their will, their wattage.
Your legs are invincible.
Your legs are all-powerful.
Your legs are pure energy.
Shut up legs, shut up.
Jensie says shut up legs.
Your legs obey.
Your legs destroy.
You are alone, flying in front of the race.
No one will ever catch you.
Because your legs are the masters of the universe.
Now two deep breaths, exhale, chill.
Meditation 3
Take a deep breathe and a long, slow exhale.
You’re in a breakaway.
The most beautiful breakaway in the race.
You’re floating like a butterfly.
Effortless, tranquil, ego-less.
You hear a gentle voice from the team car screaming.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!!!!!!!
You are the strongest.
Kill them, kill them all.
You flow away from them effortlessly.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!!!!!!!
Kill them.
The red kite appears like a beautiful dream.
Go, go, go, go, go. go, go!!!!!!!!
Relax, you are the chosen one.
Now two deep breaths, exhale, chill.
Meditation 4
Take a deep breathe and a long, slow exhale.
You are on a podium looking out across a vast sea of fans.
Everyone loves you.
The champagne is cold, you spray the crowd, you drink deep.
It is the finest champagne you have ever had.
Your new bundle of UCI points flash through your mind.
Your jersey is clean. You feel sexy.
You receive, even though it is not politically correct,
a provocative kiss from the podium girl.
Perhaps you will marry her.
Together you will have two beautiful kids with incredible VO2 Maxs.
Yes you will win this race. You will win this race.
You will &*#*@! win this race.
All is foretold. The tarot cards have spoken.
The champagne is cold and majestic. You ask for a second magnum.
Now two deep breaths, exhale, chill.
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