Rumors that the world’s most powerful pro cycling team Jumbo Visma might merge with Patrick Lefevere’s Soudal-Quickstep squad opens up new comedy scenarios.
Patrick Lefevere is well-known for belittling and dissing his riders in public if he feels they merit the abuse or if Lefevere needs some media attention.
In the past he’s called out former world champion Julian Alaphilippe and castigated sprinter Sam Bennett just to name two. Lefevere is an old school, stick over carrot, I’m the hard-ass boss kinda guy.
So what will he be saying about the Jumbo riders should the two squads merge? Here’s a sampler of what we’re imagining he might say.
On Jonas Vingegaard: “He’s too quiet, afraid of his own shadow. I don’t like shy riders. And why is his wife and daughter at all the races? Save the family time for the off-season.”
On Primoz Roglic: “What? Now I have two Alaphilippe’s on one team? They’re both always crashing. They can’t stay upright on their bikes. Not worth the money and I’ve already told Primoz that. He should go back to ski-jumping.”
On Sepp Kuss: “Why is he always smiling? I want killers. Apologizing to Landa for taking four bonus seconds? Ridiculous. I’m ashamed for him. A domestique should know his place — Vingegaard should have won the Vuelta. Instead he gave it to Kuss as a birthday gift. Buy him a Rolex instead.”
On Wout van Aert: “I don’t pay for second places, I pay for wins. Second is nice, you’re on the podium, you get your pretty picture taken, so what? Does he want a second tier salary? Then I’m happy to pay that. Talk to me again when he wins something.”
On Tiesj Benoot: “His agent has called me for years trying to get Benoot on my team. I always said no. He was at Sunweb — what a mess. I decide which riders come and go. Besides, Tiesj — what kind of name it that? It’s a made up name. No, he has to get a normal name if he wants to ride for me.”
We look forward to the merger of Jumbo-Visma and Soudal-Quickstep. It’s a comedy routine waiting to happen.