Oh boy, this is getting fun and this time no lawyers or threats involved. After Fabian Cancellara came after Phil Gaimon for repeating the well-worn rumor that the Swiss star right have used a hidden motor on occasion, it looked like the two were headed to court.
Now, however, Spartacus has shifted gears and invited the retired Gaimon, a career domestique in the WorldTour peloton, to try and beat him in one of his eight scheduled Chasing Cancellara races. Gaimon gets his choice with dates in five different countries. Well, I guess it beats dueling pistols at dawn.
Phil the Thrill has made no response to Cancellara’s offer so we’ll speak for him. No way, Jose. Only a sucker takes that bait. Cancellara is a superstar classics monster and time trial world champion. He’ll kill Phil — which will prove nothing on any subject except the obvious: Cancellara, superstar, Gaimon, pack fill.
There’s no possible way Gaimon can hang with Cancellara even with intensive training and a strict Zero Cookie diet. It’s an ambush and Gaimon would be the clown that’s covered in blood.
No, Phil needs a counter offer, a different kind of athletic event that he can win against the Swiss superstar. We have a few ideas and we invite folks to play along with their own.
1 Badminton. Yes, it’s a silly game. One that Cancellara, for all his sporting prowess, has probably not mastered. A few months with a top badminton coach should make Gaimon the clear favorite. A win is a win, people.
2 Ballroom dancing. Again, the idea is to force Cancellara out of his comfort zone. Get him off balance, his motor skills (pun intended) all messed up. Does he have any dancing rhythm? I’m thinking he’s Swiss and therefore not exactly a fluid man when the dance music starts pumping. Seems to us that the playful Gaimon would have the edge, especially if he sticks to salsa or any flavor of Latin dance. Advantage Phil.
3 Skeet shooting. Hell yeah, let’s get these two ornery partners down to Texas for some rifle shooting. Our guess is that the quick-witted Gaimon is just as quick on the trigger. Let’s see what he can do with some clay pigeons. Sure, Cancellara has that time trial ability to get himself in the zone, but this event gives Phil an even shot.
4 A game of HORSE. The classic driveway basketball game, matching shot for shot. Both men are 6’1″ but Cancellara has a weight advantage. A game of one-on-one would see Cancellara, the power forward, simply back Phil down into the paint and score the easy hoops. However, HORSE puts the advantage back with Phil and his ability to come up with goofy shots that Fabian will have to match makes this a contest the cagey American can win.
5 Horseshoes. The key here is for Phil to pick a sport that Cancellara has NEVER played. That he will have no facility for or practice with. Ain’t no horseshoes in Switzerland, folks. Phil is more of a backyard games kinda guy and we’ll put our money on him to throw five ringers before Cancellara even knows what to do.
6 BASE jumping. Okay, no shit, this is dangerous and death may ensue. And that’s the point, right? Cancellara wants you to man up, you don’t go him one better, you throw all the chips on the table. BASE jump with a bat suit. Chances are Cancellara, a family man with kids, will simply chicken out and surrender. Bam, Phil wins.
7 Cornhole. Yeah, toss the little bean bags through the hole on the board fifty feet away. Maybe force each man to down three beers first. Phil’s written three books. I’ll bet all this working on the keyboard means his fingers are highly skilled. We suspect the Swiss star will be a little ham handed, especially after the three beers. Another victory for Phil.
8 Curling. Can you even believe this is an Olympic sport? You slide a stone along the ice and use a broom to slow it down. Who even really knows the rules — except for the curlers. Do you see Cancellara dominating this athletic event? Both men will be on thin ice, so to speak. A little practice beforehand and Phil could take down Fabian.
9 Surfing. A total win scenario for Phil. He lives in Los Angeles with instant access to the waves and a few quick lessons. He probably has his own board already. Why not pull the ground out from underneath Cancellara’s feet and throw him in the ocean.
10 Cookie eating contest. Is this truly an athletic event? Well, consider how many eating contests there are these days. It takes a trained sportsman to stretch his gullet and stomach and jam down 30 hamburgers in ten minutes. This is the scenario where Phil dominates Cancellara. The cookie-mad Gaimon will absolutely crush the Swiss champ. Pick the cookie and the place and game over. That’s our call for Phil. A no-holds barred, winner take all, you used a motor or not, cookie battle royale.
Go Phil, go!