Twisted Spoke’s 15 year old son has a Playboy magazine hidden under the drawer with his socks and underwear. What a sucker.
Little does he know dad has something far more erotic and enticing and completely bike-related under his bed. My hands tremble, my heart races, guilt and euphoria racking my body. Yes, I have the Cyclepassion 2011 calendar.
A luscious, Helmut Newton-inspired chuck of bike porn unsurpassed by anything else you could possibly conjure up. Eight toned and temping top racer chicks including American’s Heather Irminger and Willow Koerber getting sexy widit and various bike paraphernalia for photographer Daniel Geiger.
If I was not married, had no kids, lived in a cool apartment in San Francisco like the days of old, I’d have the Cyclepassion calendar hung across from my bed, a source of constant arousal and athletic inspiration. I’d clean my bike wearing nothing my my Sugoi bibs and pause only to lay my oily hands on Veronica, Hanka, Fabienne and Mona. Mona, indeed.
First things first: it’s big format. Not the sad, low cost 9 x 12 calendars cranked out by the millions with pictures of animals, vintage sports cars, landscapes, cupcakes, Harry Potter, Amish quilts. No, this is a beautiful, high quality, well-printed 27 x 16 pleasure ride that lasts twelve glorious months.
Most people have already drolled over the images on the web but the small pixel versions are a pathetic tease compared to the actual goods. Personal (and professional) favorites: Liz Hatch in black bra and tight glitter pants astride a white Pinarello. She’s welcome at my house anytime although when the wife is out of town would be wise.
Veronica Andreasson of Sweden radiates massive thigh power, luscious tan lines and erotic possibility. Julie Krasniak of France (oh-la-la-la-la) shows off her bod in nasty black heels and one piece sex top with bike chain necklace. She is the mechanic of your dreams, all she wants is your love and a set of Park tools.
Switzerland’s Fabienne Heinzmann shows off a shiny tight chocolate brown vinyl or latex minidress beside her four stoke BMC mountain bike. Stroke, yes, a heart attack is not out of the question.
Should you also buy the “making-of” Cyclepassion DVD, the first thing you’ll notice (besides the bike babes) is the relentless grin on photographer Daniel Geiger’s face. The man is bouncing around the studio like he’s living out his own private fantasy. You want to be Daniel or his best friend or whatever — have him owe you large sums of cash — because you want the invite. Pretend you’re catering or in charge of lens polishing, something.
There’s also a touching human quality to the DVD since these top level athletes aren’t models and generally don’t do the sex toy routine on a regular basis. It’s charming to see the transformation from nervous to relaxed to playful. Alcoholic drinks may have been involved. In any case, the whole affair is fun and sexy and done with a veneer of class and good taste. Kinda sorta.
Now, you missed January and Willow Koerber but if you pull the trigger now, you’ll still see her in June playing touch with Heather. Now, have to slip the calendar back under the bed. Don’t want the 15 year old boy finding that. He’s not ready for Cyclepassion — he has to start riding his bike more before he gets a peak.