Well, today Donald J Trump is the President of the United States. A day of deep mourning and profound distress here at Twisted Spoke.
It feels in many fundamental ways like America has died. We have an ill-informed, egotistical, vindictive, disorganized, corrupt and racist president in charge of our country. We’re in for a scary and dangerous and dispiriting four years.
But hey, that’s why comedy was invented. So here is our re-post of our Trump tweets on pro cyclists.
Here is a selection of his anti-pro cycling remarks:
“Who’s that Colombian guy Quintana. Sure is short. Should be a jockey. Does he speak English? Going guess he doesn’t speak English. Lame.”
“I like that Froome. He’s a winner like me. But his wife isn’t as pretty as Melania. Not by a long-shot. Not Miss Universe material.”
“Contador? Loser. Falls off his bike a lot. I’m 70 and I never fall off a bike. Even Crooked Hillary could go faster up a hill. Sad.”
“You have to like a guy called Spartacus. What? He’s retiring? Hey, he can be in my cabinet — secretary of defense. Most of those generals are stupid anyway. Spartacus — that’s gonna make ISIS scared.”
“Don’t know about that new team from Bahrain. Are they ISIS? Might have to nuk them. Kidding. No, not kidding. I have good instincts, people.”
“I like Katyusha. Strong team from Russia, strong leadership. Like my good friend Vladimir Putin. Can any of those riders hack computer files? Sure like to get some more stuff on crooked Hillary.”
“Sky, they’re winners, I like winners. Invited Brailsford to my hotel at Mar a Lago in Palm Beach. Great buffet, best buffet in the world. Skinny Froome, even he’d want that buffet.”
“I’ll tell you, I look at Tejay van Garderen. He doesn’t have stamina, he doesn’t look presidential. Never gonna win the Tour de France.”
“Why all these crashes at bike races. I’m president, I fix that on day one. I’ll build a wall, both sides of the road, from the first K to the last K. I’ll get the UCI to pay for it. They don’t know that but they’ll pay. It will keep the terrorists out, too.”
“I don’t think Nibali is Italian. He’s not Italian. Where’s his birth certificate? He was born in Hawaii like Obama. Shame nobody knows that. I been saying it for years. Nibali is Hawaiian and he won the Tour of Italy. That’s wrong, WRONG.”
“What happened to that Colorado stage race? Crooked Hillary killed it. Let’s make America great again. Wonderful state, Colorado. HUGE mountains.”
“You see those podium girls at Vuelta? Welcome at my hotels ANYTIME. Beautiful — and skinny. Way they’re supposed to be. Not like FAT worst MISS U I ever had Alicia M!!!!!”
“Believe me, Tour de Trump was way bigger than Tour de France. I was going buy TDF but changed my mind. I may bring back Tour de Trump, start it right at White House.”