God, I need a hand.
A pray from Pete Sagan:
Please God let me win the Tour of Flanders, the Ronde Van Vlaanderen, whatever you wanna call it.
Please God, let me go solo and do a wheelie across the finish-line.
Let me get the monkey off my back. He is heavy and stinks, eats the food in my back pockets and then urinates on my shoulder. Please God, I want that monkey gone.
Please let me climb to the top step of the podium and I swear I will smile and spray champagne and keep my hands to myself. That was wrong and perhaps the beginning of my troubles.
God, Mr Tinkov is a nasty boss, you in your blessed wisdom know that he is a pain in the ass. Please let me win so that I can shrug off his annoying tweets and cheap shots. Is this too much to ask?
I know that my salary is obscene in your eyes. I just signed the papers — it was the lawyer who did the deal. I’m young, I don’t even know what to do with all that money. Let me win God and people will stop bugging me about my big salary and maybe I will even give some money to an orphanage or animal shelter or something. Whatever you want and I am open 24/7 for signs.
I know you know I have suffered. I used to be a happy boy with not a care in the world and now there is a line across my forehead and no bounce in my step and journalists bug me and life isn’t easy. I’m not saying I’m starving or sick or mentally ill. I’m just saying in my own way I have shed a few tears.
Can I get a small piece of Heaven on Sunday in the Ronde?
I have a Bible. There’s usually one in the hotel rooms and here’s the deal. No internet porn for me and the boys tonight. I will turn in early and start reading the Bible. I don’t know how far I can get in one night but take it as a sign of good faith. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
Please God, let me win the Ronde.
Use me as your vessel, let me be your light, just give me the strength to beat Vanmarcke, Terpstra, Thomas — all those guys. I’m praying for that and I’m on my knees — which is not good for my recovery today but I’m just making the point.
I’ve never been to Lourdes. You know — that crazy place in France where all the miracles happen. I know some guys in the Tour will stop by if there’s a rest day there. What if I light a candle in your honor somewhere? Not Lourdes, but some little church in Flanders? I could go early in the morning — in one of the team cars. Light candle, quick prayer, soak up some ambiance. I hope you’re getting the sense I’m serious about all this.
I really need to win Flanders.
I know you were watching over me when I was with Cannondale and having all that fun. I haven’t shown I’m a spiritual person but I have potential. What about this — this is a good idea — I cross the finish line and instead of popping a wheelie, I make the sign of the cross?
I win, you win.
All the journalists will crowd around and I’ll point to the sky and utter your name and say it was all you, for your glory. Can we work something out like that? Because I think that would be pretty fantastic.
Okay, I gotta get a massage but when I get back to my room I will start praying. I’ve never really done that before but when I decide to do something, I do it. I can be fervent very quickly — I’m the fastvakian.
Okay, well, that’s all I have to say right this second. I know you can read between the lines — you can’t fool God, right? — and can tell I feel pretty strongly about putting my life on the right path, your path.
Please God, lemme win the Ronde.