Lance Armstrong's new cycling team: Mellow Johnny and the future sponsors!

Lance Armstrong announced he was interested in owning and running his own team in 2011. Yup, that Team Mellow Johnny could become the real deal. Coach Armstrong and his boys spotting the Tour de France two touchdowns and a few mountain passes and still whipping their gallic rumps. But he’ll need sponsors to fund that new squad. So I’ve put together a quick list of potential investors.

Hoffmann-Larouche. The parma giant behind the ambien sleeping pill. Surprisingly a natural fit. If you think Johnny was mellow before, wait till the team pops a few of these before the team time trial. On second thought, this may not be such a bullet-proof idea.

Shiner Bock. Lance’s brew of choice. Italian wine companies sponsor Italian teams, why not super suds that make you ride faster? (Do NOT mix with Ambien.) It should be noted that Shiner Bock is a known drug masking agent and to complicate matters has a tendancy to make riders, uhh, fat and lazy and prone to playing billiards and listening to Country & Western music instead of doing intervals.

Baha Fresh. Yes, the Texan’s team runs on Tex Mex food. Imagine the drama as the team car pulls along side Lance’s boys and they reach not for a water bottle or some inedible scientifically formulated energy turd but a silver foiled burrito with black beans, guac and chicken. You can just see a domestic carrying a donkey load of those up through the pelton to team riders. Note: Former Postal and Discovery rider, Russian Legend and Lance pal, Viatcheslav Ekimov practically lived at Baha Fresh after intense training rides. Burrito is just a Spanish word for recovery food.

American Derringer corporation. Hey, what do you think all those rear jerseys pockets are for, partner? No self repecting, law abiding cyclist is gonna throw a leg over no saddle wiithout some protection. Some downright ornery people in the peloton. Foreigners and worse. Lance’s posse will be fully armed with hand guns. You can be sure that Lance will personally work with the Derringer company to make sure the guns are made lighter and more aerodynamic. Some a-hole gives you a shove in the last 200 meters of a sprint, what you gonna do? Fill him full of lead.

The Beef Industry Council. Forget this whole pasta shenanagan. Strictly a euro thing and the physiological benefits are NOT documented. Does anyone with a brain think you can ride for 6 hours up and down mountains after a bowl of linguine with a watery tomato sauce? Seriously folks. What a rider needs after a few hors category climbs is a big, fat 16 once steak that was just chainsawed off the cow. Throw some fries on the side. Don’t let some pasta-toting chef come within 100 feet of the Mellow Johnny training table.

There you have it but I’m sure I missed some primo promotional ideas and sponsors. Anybody else got any ideas for Lance’s Mellow Johnny Boys?

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  • marinpaul

    How about Oprah? On the front end Lance and his teammates can go on the show and inspire others with tails of overcoming long odds through perspiration and determination. When the team gets caught blood doping or using EPO, they can go back on Oprah and show how they are really the victims of a flawed system that gave them no choice . . . .