Le happy Cav heads to Le Tour.
Sneak peak at Mark Cavendish’s horoscope for July. Broad stroke overview: Holy shit I’m a lucky man slash sprinter slash guy up for new Etixx Quickstep contract!
Life has been good for the Manxman since he showed up in sunny California in May and demonstrated to Peter Sagan that there was no way in Hell the Fastvakian was gong to beat him in a Tour sprint.
Cavendish, who was miserable and inconsolable after crashing out on stage one in last year’s Tour de France, is back in the drivers seat. Chief rival, the man who made Cav slow and questioning the meaning of life has been sick for six months and can’t even manage an off-form, on-reputation-only invite to Le Grand Shindig.
Yes, Marcel Kittel, Cav Killa, is out, in a dark psychological hole, doing all the Hamlet things Cav did last year after bombing out in spectacular fashion on home soil in Yorkshire.
Kittel is gone. Worse (or even better if you’re a Cav groupie) is that the German is even questioning his previously joyful existence at Giant-Hair Regrowth. That’s what missing Le Tour does to people.
Yes, it’s a cosmic run of events and and Cav’s I-Just-Had-Sex-With Page-Two-Girl grin is even wider. Really, what forces stack up against him in his quest for another three or four sprint wins to add to his already obscene haul of over 20 wins?
Team boss Patrick Lefevere is already doubling his offer and lead out man Mark Renshaw is ready to go full Bulldog against a second tier of almost fast men.
Yes, only a Gorilla with a nice train set stands in Cav’s way and full Tour dominance again. The kind where everyone calls him Sir and boss man and Pistachio King and they don’t dare make fun of his oddly misshapen body and generally un-athletic appearance. Hey, we didn’t say that — just repeating the free-floating meme.
The fact is, Cav is a body bag of Mexican jumping beans right now. He cannot wait to start Tour Smackdown, 2015 version. It’s HTC-Highroad all over again and maybe they even shoot another movie, too.
Candy from baby, banana stolen from aging gorilla, lessons taught to unruly and clueless children in lycra. Aren’t we all just wondering who can steal even one stage from Boy Wonder, Delilah’s favorite sprinter in the world?
Cavendish is about to hit the world’s biggest pro cycling stage and he has a clean shot at the finish line with barely a leadout required. (Okay, overlay dramatic, Gorilla gets one stage, gratefully.)
Life is very very good right now for Mark Cavendish and you don’t need a gypsy woman with a direct line to fate to know all stars are aligned.