2014 Pro Cycling quotes we never heard, part 1

 

Froome, the fake quote

Froome, the fake quote

 

2014 pro cycling rider “Quotes of the Year” that were never said or we wish were said or should have been said.

The new season is upon us but let’s look back and read some of the best quotes that were never uttered. (Note to lawyers: totally fabricated quotes, not real, not remotely.)

We can only imagine these things being delivered but there’s no harm in wishing people were a little looser with the tongue.

David Brailsford, SKY

“Chris Froome bores the crap out of me. Really he does. No personality whatsoever. I love Bradley but it’s the opposition problem. Too much personality and can’t shut his mouth. Sometimes I wish I had Contador — life would be so much simpler.”

 

Oleg Tinkof Tinkof-Saxo

“Yes, I’m a blowhard. I’m the ugly Russian who shouts all the time and throws money around in crass, vulgar ways. I pretend I’m amusing but deep down I know I’m just irritating.”

 

Peter Sagan, Tinkoff-Saxo

“My English is perfect. I just like to say garbled nonsense to throw people off and keep them from bothering me. Cryptic is cool and it just adds to my mystique. I mean, Cancellara says some wacky stuff in English and nobody makes fun of him.”

 

Jonathan Vaughters, Cannondale-Garmin

“I’m smarter than everyone else in cycling. Isn’t that obvious to everyone by now? I’ve got an MBA and my wardrobe kicks ass. And my tweets are like comedy haiku.”

 

Mark Cavendish, Omega-Pharma

“My wife is so hot so I don’t care it I lose every stage of the 2015 Tour to Kittle. Yea, he’s got cool hair but my wife is super hot.”

 

Greg Van Avermaet, BMC

“Gilbert is just an ego maniac. He still thinks I’m plan B. I’m plan A. Guy doesn’t even know how to train. And his face is all pock-marked which makes me way more photogenic.”

 

Dan Martin, Cannondale Garmin

“Yes, I know my teeth are crooked. Yes, I make enough money to get braces. But I like the crooked teeth because it makes me look like a crazed pirate. People fear crooked teeth. They’re menacing.”

 

Alberto Contador, Tinkoff-Saxo

“I totally sandbagged everybody on my Tour injury. I had Froome and Valverde fooled in the Vuelta until it was too late. Froome is so gullible — he’s even more of a sucker than Andy Schleck.”

 

Vincenzo Nibali, Astana

“I could kill Vino for all this doping crap. Strangle him slowly with piano wire just like they do in the Italian gangster movies. I bet I could get Aru to buy the wire.”

 

Chris Froome, Sky

“Goodbye Brad, missed you at the Tour and Vuelta. NOT! I so nailed you with my book. I killed your last chances to ever ride a grand tour. Watching you beg in the press was fun, it really was.”

 

Alejandro Valverde, Movistar

“The hair regrowth stuff really worked. Well, it kinda worked. Don’t look to closely.”

 

Nairo Quintana, Movistar

“The rest of those guys in the Giro were pussies. I had to laugh. I didn’t escape the crushing poverty in Colombia to stop for some stupid red flag just cause it’s raining when the big money was there for the taking. And I think Valverde’s hair looks great.”

 

Tom Boonen, Omega-Pharma

“I wish I could just stop now and drink beer. Honestly, I’m kinda done with the whole cobbles thing.”

 

Jens Voigt, retired

I have six kids back home in Germany so I decided to retire in Wisconsin and work for Trek. No child care for me. Besides, they love me in the States — I can have sex with anybody I want.”

 

Lance Armstrong, banned for life

“I’d like to throw Betsey Andreu and Travis Tygart in a wood-chipper. That would be my idea of a good time. Maybe I could get George to come over and help me clean up after.”

 

Alexander Vinokourov, Astana

“UCI president Brain Cookson looks like a sad hound-dog and I beat him with a lead pipe. I got my team license again, bitch.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  • The SuperStorm

    Chris Froome, Team Sky: “Yeah I started cycling by riding my younger brother’s tricycle. Its all we had back in South Africa. I won many criterium’s on it. Why do you ask? Does it show?”

    Marcel Kittel, Giant Shimano: “Yaa, I could say I’m really goot. I’m too sexy for de race, too sexy for my shirt and way too sexy for de Peloton. Greipel thinks he’s so fast, but I tell you, in a sprint, it is my sexiness that wins ze races. Plus my hair is way too sexy for Taylor Phinney.’ “He’s such a boy toy!”

    Andre Greipel, Lotto Belisol: “Oh Kittel thinks he’s so good because he’s so good looking.” “Did I tell you I have special sunglasses now to block the smile and I will win more sprints, because I will be able to see beyond his teeth.”

    Taylor Phinney, BMC: “What did he say about my hair?” “Oh, I have beautiful hair don’t you know? Just beautiful! It is! Really! I’m not making this up! Ask Stetina!”

    Alberto Contador, Tinkov Saxo: “If I have to hear one more time about how to climb right by Basso, it will be pistola’s at dawn for him!”

    Nairo Quintana, Moviestar: “Yes I look forward to 2015. With the new rule changes, I finally will be able to put my training wheels back on my bike. I can go sooo way much faster down hill and around corners with them. Weeeee! Weeee!!”

    Sir Bradley Wiggins, Team Sky: “Well my contract ends at Paris-Roubaix, and after that I begin training for the 2016 games. I will start by delivering pizza’s on my bike in record time to customers around the neighborhood pulling my kids around in the cart.” Just as long as they don’t eat the pizza’s all should be well.” “Is anybody hiring?”

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com walshworld

      There you go, super. Nice work. Like the Greipel sunglasses. Matt