Beware the Tour de France Python

 

Pastoral my ass!

Pastoral my ass!

Attention Tour de France contenders: you must face down the dangerous Python if you have any hopes of winning le maillot jaune.

The 2015 edition will for the second year in a row take on a mini-Hell of the North. To quote the Le Tour website: “Seven sectors and just over 13 kilometers of trembling will force all the leaders and their team mates to be extra cautious.” Chris Froome is already trembling and his wife is trying to calm him down. (Vince Nibali is tranquillo but he always is.)

While not as dangerous as, for example, the Viesly to Quiévy section, make no mistake — the Python can kill you or perhaps Contador or Valverde. The Python is, after all, one of the most deadly snakes in the world. Consider also that it would be impossible to attempt to tame the python like a snake charmer by playing a flute. All musical instruments are against UCI rules and really, you can’t play the flute and ride no-hands over cobblestones.

Stage 4 cobbles

Stage 4 cobbles

Here is an abridged Python description from Wikipedia’s Paris-Roubaix page:  “First used in 1973. This section crosses two regional roads, D113b and D134. The section rises from 95 to 117m. It begins with a gentle drop, continues with a gentle rise for 600m, then an almost entirely flat section. Having been straight, there is then a difficult 90-degree right bend that leads to a 2 km uphill drag that riders find exhausting.”

What’s worse than exhausting? Death, that’s what. Watching your Tour de France podium chances die from the venom of the Python. Oh sure, the names Arenberg and Carrefour de l’Arbre conjure up more fear but the Python is close behind, ready to sink its fangs into the skinny calves of the unwary pro bike racer.

We look forward to watching the Python in action. We also recommend that female spectators should consider dressing for the big event with a Python leather skirt. However, men, please do NOT wear these bizarre Snake Sheath briefs. That would be wrong and bizarre.

You can find a smattering of photos of Python Town on this link.

Snake cobbles

Snake cobbles

Saint Python

Saint Python

 

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