Contador's frantic call to LeMond. Lance dials Hinault. Dr. Phil consulted.
The Contador & Armstrong Tour de France soap opera continues. So with apologies to all parties involved, Twisted Spoke imagines the following phone calls.
AN EARLY MORNING CALL FROM ALBERTO CONTADOR TO GREG LEMOND.
ALBERTO: Hey, did I wake you?
GREG: Uhh, yeah, it’s 2 in the morning, Minnesota time.
ALBERTO: Sorry, it’s an emergency.
GREG: What’s up?
ALBERTO: Armstrongs driving me crazy.
GREG: What did you expect?
ALBERTO: Guy wins seven Tours–so what? I won the last 3 grand tours I rode.
GREG: I coulda won seven tours if my damn brother-in-law hadn’t shot me full of lead pellets.
ALBERTO: You gotta help me.
GREG: Okay, okay, I’m still waking up.
ALBERTO: You’ve dealt with this. That jerk Bernard Hinault double crossed you when he said he’d help you win the “86 tour? I need advice.
GREG: You want my advice?
ALBERTO: Yeah. What do about do about Armstrong?
LEMOND: Kill him.
A LATE NIGHT CALL FROM ARMSTRONG TO BERNARD HINAULT
BERNARD: Lance, always a pleasure.
LANCE: You’re looking good doing the MC thing on stage with those podium girls.
BERNARD: They’re so sweet, those podium girls. One never tires of that. What’s on your mind?
LANCE: That punk Contador. I’m ready to strangle him.
BERNARD: He has no respect.
LANCE: He pulls that bullshit attack.
BERNARD: In my day, I’d have taken him behind the team bus and beat him like a dog.
LANCE: I got 200 media people watching my every move.
BERNARD: The press, always their stupid questions.
LANCE: You’ve been there, man. That Greg Lemond whining and complaining. What do I do about Contador?
BERNARD: Kill him.
A CALL FROM ASTAMA BOSS BRUYNEEL TO DR PHIL.
BRUYNEEL: Dr Phil. Love the show. Wife watches every week.
DR PHIL: Thank, Johan. Really enjoying the Tour de France. Exciting stuff.
BRUYNEEL: Listen, I need help. Armstrong and Contador are driving me crazy with their insane egos and bickering. It’s tearing the team apart. Any advice?
DR PHIL: Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration. I would sit these two people down and really get them to open up emotionally.
BRUYNEEL: The Alps are coming up fast, Dr Phil. What if that approach doesn’t work?
DR PHIL: Kill them both.