Team Saxo Bank responded to allegations that Fabian Cancellara had engaged in “mechanical doping” by claiming that Tom Boonen is a cyborg.
“Look closely at the film footage of Roubaix, you can see it’s not the human Boonen but a robot copy designed to ride faster,” said Saxo spokesman Kim Norgaard.
“When Fabian rode along side, he said Boonen’s eyes glowed red and when he said hello, the robot replied ‘not programmed to respond.”
Norgaard said a freeze frame zoom on Boonen’s face during Flanders revealed something truly ominous. “You could see rivets. It’s obviously a prototype they’re still refining.”
How was Cancellara able to accelerate past the Quick Step cyborg? “We were panicked, for a hour we had no plan,” said manager Bjarne Riis. “Then I told Fabian to flash his gold angel charm in the cyborg’s eyes. It seemed to momentarily disorient the machine.”
Patrick Lefevere, the head honcho at Quick Step called the charge preposterous. “Is this science fiction? Have they been drinking? We are not even budgeted for robots,” said Lefevere.
Boonen himself laughed off the charges. “I am flesh and blood and there is no Tomke robot,” said the Belgian champion.
However, investigative italian journalist Davide Cassani, the man behind the inflammatory video on mechanical doping and hidden electric motors, thinks the charge could be true.
“I’m examining the Roubaix footage in detail. There are some disturbing discoveries,” said Cassani. “There’s a moment when the Quick Step car pulls along side and the mechanic leans out with several tools. He wasn’t working on the bike, I can tell you.”