Omega Druga-QuickStep boss Patrick Lefevere has told his star sprinter Mark Cavendish that he doesn’t want the Manxman racing on the track. Too dangerous said the old school Belgian.
“We pay him to perform well on the road and he must concentrate fully on that,” insisted Lefevere. “I can tolerate the track with Keisse and [Niki] Terpstra, but not with Cavendish. You can never say never, but this year it didn’t happen and it won’t happen next year either.”
However, track cycling is not the only thing Lefevre has put on the forbidden list. He has issued Cavendish an extensive number of “don’t do’s” that must to respected if he wants a paycheck.
Cavendish’s safety-related interdictions include:
No bowling, ice skating, skeet shooting, archery, sky diving or Zumba. Approved activities: cards, crossword puzzles.
No skipping in the park even if you’re in a good mood. Avoid all sidewalks with cracked pavement.
No use of ladders to perform household repairs — hire a handyman.
No bars of soap in the bathtub. Too slippery. Liquid soap in PUMP BOTTLES ONLY.
No dicing of vegetables with sharp knives. Let Petra handle the dangerous blades.
Absolutely no playing on playground monkey bars with Delilah.
All tables with must have rubber safety bumpers on the corners.
Vacuum cleaner MUST INCLUDE a certified HEPA filter to avoid allergens that may SLOW down respiratory function.
No picking up Delilah to give her an airplane ride. PROTECT YOUR BACK from injury!
No strange or challenging sexual positions. (please refer to attached drawing for approved coital options.)