The French threw the book at Floyd Landis — not that he was looking or even gave a crap.
They nailed him on that computer hacking charge and slapped him silly with a stale baguette, then imposed the bitter punishment: Landis can never vacation in France again. A true loss for the mad mennonite who despite limited funds had planned a trip to the chateaux along the Loire valley and then a wine tour of Bordeaux. Oh well…
But while generally unreported, the French also implicated Landis in a number of crimes against France. They somehow linked him historically to the events that led to the French revolution, convicting him of siding against Napoleon and the republic. The overriding fact that Landis would not be born for a few more hundred years did not factor in the decision.
Then they issued several arrest warrants for his actions in the student uprisings in Paris in 1968. French authorities are convinced that in some strange but undeniable way he sought to overthrow the government of French war hero Charles de Gaulle. It was De Gaulle who uttered the famous warning as the Socialists threatened to take over France: “Apres moi, le deluge and le Landis.” Weird but scary stuff.
Not content to name Landis as the perpetrator of multiple offenses over a large time period in French history, the American was also listed in affidavits as an “affront to French cuisine.” Landis is under suspicion of trying to underline French culture and in particular French cuisine. His preference for fast food is seen as a slap in the face of Cordon Blue.
The French Film Industry has also lodged an appeal to the French Government that Landis is “against French Film” and in particular that Landis has waged a bitter and vitriolic campaign against famed director Francois Truffaut. One of the leading lights of the “new wave” movement in French film, Truffaut has received an antagonistic reception chez Landis. Of course, Truffaut was a classic chain smoker who died in 1984. No matter.
Perhaps most shocking is the personal lawsuit now being filed by President Nicolas Sarkozy that accuses Landis of having sexual relations with his flirtatious wife Carla Bruni. According to at least one celebrity photographer, Landis was seen with Bruni at the French Rivera laughing and sharing an intimate moment. Landis claims that he was in his dilapidated shack in Idyllwild at the time.
All these these legal cases are now in progress in the French court system. Stay tuned.