Euskaltel-Euskadi has announced a new, wink, wink, program of internal doping controls for the 2010 season. Spanish newspaper Barca reported that the Basque team would aim for false transparency and pretend testing after two of its riders returned positive doping tests in 2009.
Euskaltel riders Iñigo Landaluze and Mikel Astarloza both returned positive tests during the 2009 season. Astarloza is still working with several top science fiction writers to develop a plausible conspiracy theory.
“We will look them straight in the eye, wink several times and ask them a direct question, ‘are you doing the bad thing with the secret juice and the pointy needles?’ We will get the answer we want,” said team manager Igor González de Galdeano, winking repeatedly.
Euskaltel-Euskadi claims the program will be extensive, including looking under the hotel pillow for syringes and asking if that plastic bag of red liquid really is tomato juice. Riders who have pets with suspicious names will be questioned.
“If we see a strange piece of equipment that looks like a centrifuge for blood doping, we will ask about that, wink, wink, and if they say, no, it’s a video game console, we will tell them that’s not allowed — the games, I mean,” said de Galdeano, winking once again.
A former rider on the drug-infested ONCE squad run by the disgraced director Manolo Saiz of Operacion Puerto fame, De Galdeano brings tremendous credibility to the internal doping program.
“This is a point of honor. We will not work with any Peruvian doctors, disbarred veterinarians or anyone who ever worked with Kelme,” said De Galdeano, referring to Operacion Grial, the latest doping ring busted in Spain.
“We know there are no real penalties for doping in Spain — look at Valverde and Puerto — it’s been over 3 years and he’s still riding. But rest assured — our vigilance will be extreme. Trust me,” said the Euskaltel-Euskadi manager, adding a final wink.