Chris Horner crashes out of Vuelta. Insurance plan covers zilch.

Call me Mr. Unlucky.

Chris Horner is the bad luck rider of the 2009 season. Don’t even stand near him. A bomb might go off or a grand piano fall from the sky. He should just do the sign-in at races and hire a stunt double to ride the bike for him.

Four serious crashes, major injuries that forced early exits from the Tour of California, Tour of the Basque County, the Giro and Vuelta. Wrist, shoulder, knee, broken bones and ripped muscles and probably a terminal case of depression.

That’s the bad news but it gets way worse. A close looks at the fine print in Horner’s health insurance coverage makes it clear they’re not covering one penny of the Astana rider’s huge medical costs.

THE FINE PRINT AT THE BOTTOM OF HORNER’S POLICY:

1] Any accidents occurring on narrow roads in the Basque Country are NOT covered. Especially if said accident is caused by anyone with a bizarre sounding Basque name like Igor, Gorka or Mikel.

2] Insurance covers no medial costs for injuries that occur while wearing tight lycra sportswear. This includes any and all “team” wear of professional cycling squads.

3] Coverage will be denied when said injuries occur as a result of the use of a two-wheeled bicycle regardless of make or manufacture.

4] Participant assumes all costs for hospital care in the event of any dangerous activities associated with the Giro d’Italia. Like stages 1 through 21.

5] Mounting, steering, shifting gears and pedaling ANY bicycle voids all medical payments. Participant assumes 100% of out-of-pocket expenses.

6] The Veulta a Espana is listed as an insane and “way out-of network” activity. Insurer assumes no obligation or re-imbursement. This goes double when the Tour of Spain is run in the Netherlands and it’s raining cats and dogs.

7] Chris, get the picture, buddy — we’re not paying. You can’t stay upright on your bike. Get a safer occupation like fire-fighter or rodeo clown. Your policy is officially cancelled.