Fabian Cancellara crashes and misses Paris-Roubaix and Flanders. Jakob Fuglsang crashes and misses the Giro d’Italia. Frank Schleck crashes and abandons the Giro. Andy Schleck crashes in the Criterium du Dauphine and misses the Tour de France.
Between all the injuries, illness, bad luck and team disunity, it’s been a miserable season for RadioShack Nissan-Trek. The good news is that this painful spell may have been lifted.
Not one hour after Andy Schleck announced that his injury would prevent him from riding the Tour de France, a team employee found a voodoo doll hidden in the RadioShack Nissan Trek team bus. The small six inch wood and straw figurine was stuck with six sharp pins.
“We have solved the problem, I am happy to say,” said Bruyneel. “I knew it had to be something — a curse, some magic spell — our luck has been so bad. Now, we are back on course. I can tell you, the riders and sponsors were happy to hear the good news.”
Team officials are trying to establish the origin of the voodoo doll. “We have contacted several experts,” said director sportif DIrk Demol. “I’m pretty sure it’s Haitian but it could be West African. There are definitely some elements of Juju witchcraft, too.”
The discovery of the voodoo doll will hopefully end the series of misfortunes that have bedeviled the top ProTour squad. “We have removed the pins, the doll is essential harmless,” said Bruyneel. “The positive effects were almost instant. Andy told me he felt a tingling in his pelvis and Frank’s shoulder suddenly healed overnight.”
Bruyneel has asked the UCI to investigate who made the destructive voodoo doll and why. It remains to be seen what, if anything, the sports governing body can do with the doll. “I will say this is bizarre and we’re looking into it, ” said president Patrick McQuaid. “There’s a process and we’re going through the process. The UCI takes voodoo and Santeria very seriously.”
Team owner Flavio Becca has already contacted police and plans to pursue the matter at all costs. “Someone has decided to destroy the team. This isn’t a joke, it isn’t a game they’re playing. Both of the Schlecks have suffered,” said Becca. “We have some ideas who is behind this.”
Rumors are already circulating that former Leopard team manager Brian Nygaard may be responsible for the voodoo doll. Becca fired the Dane when the Leopard and RadioShack squads merged. According to one source, Nygaard spent time in New Orleans this Winter and may have procured a doll in the French Quarter.
Bruyneel isn’t prepared to make accusations but he has already disposed of the voodoo doll. “I gave it to Lance. He said he was going to use it against Landis,” said Bruyneel.