Memo comments leaked.
PLEASE SEE MY COMMENTS IN ALL CAPS. LETS DO BETTER NEXT TIME, VINO.
Astana Pro Team very much regrets (DAMN!!! WE CAUGHT CAUGHT AGAIN. GUYS, DID NOBODY READ MY DECEPTION GUIDELINES?) that Valentin and Maxim Iglinskiy unexpectedly (HA HA, “UNEXPECTEDLY” — LOVE THAT. NICE USE OF IRONY!) returned adverse analytical findings for EPO, and understands that this unfortunate event has led to concerns over the efficiency of internal measures (HEY, WE NEED TO MAKE SOME INTERNAL MEASURES UP QUICK) taken to ensure that riders do not use prohibited substance or methods.
Astana Pro Team is deeply disappointed (WHO REALLY WANTED TO GO TO BEIJING WITH ALL THAT SMOG? BLESSING IN DISGUISE ) that these events have occurred, and reaffirms its absolute zero-tolerance policy (I WILL NOT TOLERATE PEOPLE GETTING CAUGHT! BE SMARTER) towards all incidents of doping and unethical activity. (WE NEED TO STUDY THIS WORD UNETHICAL FOR LOOPHOLES. TOP PRIORITY)
Astana Pro Team further confirms its desire to tackle these issues head on.
In this respect Astana Pro Team has auto-suspended itself from participation in World Tour events for a period of 8 days (HAVE TO LAUGH. 8 DAYS! OUCH!) in accordance with obligations assumed when joining the MPCC (Mouvement Pour un Cyclisme Crédible) in 2013. (THANK GOD MPCC LET US IN LAST YEAR. TOLD TOU IT WOULD BE A GOOD COVER FOR US)
Consequently Astana Pro Team holds itself to a standard in excess of those requirements mandated by the UCI (Union Cycliste Internationale) (SEE MY POINT ABOVE. MY IDEA BTW) and by so doing is placing itself in technical violation of obligations to the UCI, for which Astana Pro Team expects to receive a sanction. (LETS WORK THE BACK CHANNELS – BRIBE? DONATION? — NO SANCTION THE GOAL)
In the meantime Astana Pro Team is conducting an internal investigation (MEETING TODAY TO BRAINSTORM FAKE INVESTIGATION IDEAS) and wishes to reassure the UCI and the general public (SUCKERS!) that preliminary findings demonstrate that the events are of an isolated nature (PEOPLE ARE SO GULLIBLE) and that no other member of Astana Pro Team knew or took part. (I WANT EVERYBODY LOCKED DOWN. ABSOLUTELY NO INTERVIEWS WITH MEDIA.)
Astana Pro Team will investigate the events more thoroughly in the following weeks, and will request an audit of its own stringent (GREAT WRITING HERE, REALLY FOOLING THEM HERE) anti-doping policy to identify whether even stronger measures would be possible and legally enforceable.
Astana Pro Team’s General Manager has provided the UCI with a copy of the current version of the anti-doping policy in place within the team (GLAD WE FOUND THAT POLICY. TOLD YOU IT WAS PROBABLY ON FLOOR BEHIND FILE CABINETS!) and also informed the UCI of measures adopted immediately to remind all of its riders and staff of their obligations (I REPEAT — DO NOT GET CAUGHT) under such anti-doping policy.
Astana Pro Team looks forward to meeting with the UCI to listen to concerns that exist and to address directly any queries that it may have. (I WILL HANDLE COOKSON MYSELF. NO WORRIES.)
As part of the effort to underline its unwavering (HAVE TO SAY, I’M GETTING A HOOT OUT OF THIS PRESS RELEASE) commitment to a clean sport, Astana Pro Team has also invited Valentin and Maxim Iglinskiy to contact the CIRC (WE DID GIVE THEM THE HUSH MONEY, RIGHT? PLEASE CONFIRM) (Cycling Independent Reform Commission) and will certainly implement recommendations contained in the CIRC’s report to help all teams in enforcing their own internal anti-doping rules. (NICE TOUCH WITH THE “ALL TEAMS” TOUCH. GOOD WORK EVERYBODY. JUST ANOTHER MEANINGLESS STORM SOON TO PASS.