Who will win the Tour of Flanders? Chuck Norris knows.

Ronde? That's too easy.

Who is the hardest of the hard men? Tomorrow we’ll find out when the Ronde Van Vlaanderen begins on Sunday.

There are plenty of predictions and everyone has a system for deciding who the winner might be. Will it be Tom Boonen or Stijn Devolder of Quick Step, the Swiss champion Fabian Cancellara, Alessandro Ballan or Juan Antonio Flecha of Sky. Can George Hincapie finally win a big cobblestone classic after so many near misses?

You can examine and weigh a rider’s recent results,  experience and knowledge of the course, their ability to excel in bad weather conditions and then factor in the strength of their respective teams.

But we at Twisted Spoke prefer a more tried and true method of selecting a winner. This is a race for the hard men, the tough guys, the bad-asses. So all contenders must be measured against the true standard of skill, strength and homicidal force. Yes, we’re talking about the man, Chuck Norris.

Yup, the famous martial arts master and star of countless, low budget tough guy movies. All Tour of Flanders contenders are placed before the strict eye of Chuck to see if they have any chance in Hell of taking care of business.

Just how tough is Chuck Norris, you ask? You’re about to find out with this short checklist.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

Okay, point made. Replace Chuck Norris in these statements with the name of the rider you think can win the Tour of Flanders. If the statements still rings true, then you know exactly who will win.

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  • rdef

    Hilarious! But dude, you need an editor or at least a spellchecker. I volunteer to edit, just email me. BTW, in the 1st 4 paragraphs, 5 errors.

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com walshworld

      Thanks for the compliment and sadly yes, I have so many typos it frightens me. I discover them all the time and go back and fix stuff. I write fast and the wife and kids are always, aren’t you done with your silly blog. It’s an endless game of beat the clock, sometimes, jamming the writing in. But thanks for reading past the typos. P.S. what are they — I only found two?

  • Neil

    Chuck sounds suspiciously like one Jens Voigt (you know, the only guy who can drop his own shadow)! Spartacus does a pretty good impersonation though.