Venom, the evil twin of the reform minded Velon group, has come out against all reforms in pro cyling. Instead, the shadow organization, perhaps run by a madman hiding out in a secret island fortress, has accounced their own set of ideas:
“We want cycling to return to the dark ages because darkness is more fun,” said a Venom spokeman who refused to be indentified. “Let’s get back to doping, back to bribes and corruption, buying races and cheating the tests. Venom is filled with hatred for anyone trying to fix cycling.”
The Venom group outlined ten proposals to move cycling backward:
1 Discontinue the biological passport
2 Cut all ties with WADA
3 Install Riccardo Ricco as head of the UCI
4) Legalize doping
5) Appoint Dr. Michelle Ferrari as head medical officer
6) Races broadcast on pirate streams ONLY
7) Place ASO head Christian Prudhomme and UCI president Brian Cookson under permanent house arrest
8) Introduce a black jersey at the Tour de France to be awarded to “best doper”
9) Create a fuedal system where teams must pay to race or sell their children into slavery
10) Begin all speeches with crazed, satirical laughter
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