Un-named source fails to name names in Armstrong investigation.

Picture of Lance according to un-named source.

And now, a murky news flash.

A rider who prefers to remain anonymous according to a source close to the investigation —  who him or herself prefers to remain anonymous — said the rider said some things in private to federal investigators about doping and Lance Armstrong.

We cannot give you the identity of this rider at this time because we ourselves at Twisted Spoke prefer to remain anonymous and our lawyers — not the Landis lawyers, Armstrong lawyers, Hincapie lawyers or Hamilton lawyers — no, our own TS lawyers have counseled us not to reveal our identity at this time due to the sensitive nature of the investigation — which is on-going, at this time.

Further more, investigators are following several leads in an attempt to get to the bottom of the doping allegations. A spokesman for the investigation who preferred not to identify themselves said the investigation was “proceeding.” Which means it is going forward, not backward, according to legal experts pretending to be familiar with the case but mostly just talking off the top of their heads because they like being quoted.

Several riders who really don’t want their name in the press due to the damaging and embarrassing nature of their own admissions of doping are remaining silent except when questioned by federal authorities. We can disclose at this time that their names will not be disclosed. Legal authorities have stated that the riders do have legal names — and social security numbers –as it would be hard to race without said items.

In further development, some of the rumors have turned out to be simply wild rumors with no basis in fact, reported because media companies need content no matter how unsubstantiated to feed their hungry website. Several witnesses turned out to have little credibility and this we know because their names were in fact disclosed.

The investigation is proceeding and other riders whose names will not be disclosed at this time will speak under oath some time in the future or maybe they already have, said another person who likes to leak stuff because it makes them feel important — this according to a third unnamed source close to the leak, close enough to hear the air hissing.

Several damaging statements concerning doping and US Postal have been made by riders to be named later said a junior legal researcher with access to said testimony. Several of Armstrongs tweets are being decoded for hidden messages — however those tweets are now in a sealed court document to be opened in 3010 by yet to be named officials with jurisdiction in this case.

Lance Armstrong announced today that he will no longer allow himself to be called Armstrong in court documents and would rather be called the “rider in question.” However, in a related story, an unnamed somebody said Armstrong was seen in an Austin court house legally changing his name to Hubert Obfuscate to confuse law enforcement officials but this has not been collaborated by any other unnamed sources we can name at this time.

Stay tuned for major vague innuendo from unnamed sources.

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  • James

    the guy who cuts my hair (let’s call him my barber), revealed to me that Armstrong has a certain weakness for Coco Puffs. However, my barber was not at liberty to reveal where he obtained said information. Also, the colors yellow and black could play a critical roll in the final outcome of this case but probably won’t.

  • Jennifer in Austin

    Your unnamed sources are making us cry with laughter. Top notch work, y'all.

  • John M

    thank god…a well researched article! I keep asking what ever happened to good reporting…but maybe it never existed. (except at a twisted spoke of course)