Jan Ullrich burned out. Armstrong, hell no.

Ullrich: I am so charred.

Jan Ullrich is a smoldering stump.

That’s what he told he fans on his personal website, citing a medical diagnosis of burnout. Thus we have yet another reason why Lance Armstrong won seven Tour de Frances and Ulrich has his measly one and four second places: the Boss does not burn out.

Ullrich has been retired for three years and he’s still flat our clinically whupped from fighting off those pernicious doping allegations. The German is simply worn out by going to court a hundred times, reading legal documents, talking with lawyers and maintaining innocence in a avalanche of damning evidence. Those golden years are tough, Jan.

Meanwhile Lance Armstrong is not even close to burnout. He’s running around the country raising money for Livestrong, he’s starting another gaggle of businesses, he’s fathering more children, visiting with foreign dignitaries, training his buttski off and generally ruling the world with an iron first. Big Tex does not burn out, he is immune to doping allegation-induced fatigue.

Here is Jan Ullrich on his current medical condition: “A few days ago, I was diagnosed with burnout, that will probably need a longer treatment. In order to ensure complete recovery, I will therefore stop all public appearances in the next few months.”

Imagine Lance stopping all public appearances — never going to happen. Remember the book, baby, Every Second Counts. He has NO TIME FOR BURNOUT. It’s useless to him, serves no purpose, it’s one of those psychosomatic bullshit illnesses people invent who have no willpower. Burnout is for pussies.

Okay, yeah, sure, Armstrong is getting a bit weary of all these Landis allegations. He’s a little testy now after answering the same questions one trillion times. His eyes glaze over, his mind goes blank for a second or two, but he DOES NOT HAVE Jan Ullrich disease. People with burnout finish in second place and spend the rest of their life in a clinic eating institutional sauerkraut.

Lance Armstrong is not slowing down, Sharks do not get burnout, they do not lay on the couch for week on end, bemoaning their fate — mainly because sharks do not own couches — but the point is made.

The man, THE MAN, is still burning red hot but he is not about to fizzle because again, fizzle is one of the words Lance hates, words like failure, collapse, Floyd, troll, chump, zero, impotent and Landis. Burnout is the DNF for life.

Twisted Spoke wishes Jan Ullrich well. He was a tremendously gifted rider, a class act and good sport and deserves to chill for the rest of his life, burnout or not.

But Lance? He feels sorry for Jan Ullrich, sorry in that “boy are you pathetic and weak” kinda way.

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  • Joker

    It’s better to burn out than to fade away just ask the likes of Cobain and Pantanni.

  • Tim Cronin

    Look at Armstrong now. A complete disgrace!!!!

  • Obvious

    Time to update/delete this article!

  • [email protected]

    Or you could just dope…