Transfer rumors and hard-hitting conjecture.

Hard hitting rumors you NEED to know, delivered piping hot from the Twisted Spoke bakery oven:

Rumor #1. Once great Dane, Michael Rasmussen may or may not be going to Saxo Bank. Bjarne Riis can’t seem to decide if he likes the Chicken or not. One minute, he says no, the next maybe, and then when he watches old video of Rasmussen flying up the Col d’Aubisque, he starts thinking yes. Bonus point for Rasmussen — he has a Mexican wife so we’re assuming he speaks passable Spanish. That bit of Berlitz will be handy if he rides for Alberto Contador in the Tour de France.

Rumor #2. The former Cobra, Riccardo Ricco, may or may not sign with Patrick Lefevere and Quick Step. The disgraced rider with the bad CERA EPO habit who abandoned his long time girlfriend and their young son, is looking for a new team.

How about one in Iceland or deep in the Amazon jungle? The Cobra, or Parasite, as Mark Cavendish prefers to call him, is apparently in demand now that he bought out his contract at the dinner plate and bidet Ceramica Flamina squad. Poor Vania Rossi. Your sweet, sad face always makes us want to bar Ricco for life. Will the Quick Step team be re-named Quick Slither in honor of Ricco’s arrival?

Rumor #3. Denis Menchov, the Silent Assassin, third in this year’s Tour de France, may or may not sign with the Russian Gazuntite Katusha team or fill the Contador crater at Astana. The rumor that Menchov is Russian has already been proven beyond a shadow of doubt.

So it’s just a question of whether he prefers the original and 100% authentic Russian team or the former Russian satellite in Kazakhstan. Rubles are rubles, or something like that. Just don’t expect some loud, crazy announcement when Menchov makes a decision. He’s the Silent Decider.

Side Rumor: Patrick Jonker will be Lance Armstrong’s man-pal forever. The former U.S. Postal rider (year 2000 only) said he saw zero doping on the team and minced no words. “I didn’t see anything. If I was subpoenaed to go to court and put my hand on the Bible, I’d go,” said Jonker.

That’s the kind of guy Big Tex wants in his corner and something tells me there’s a late summer barbecue invite at Lance’s place already headed Jonker’s way. Take that Mr. Novitzky.