The Contador time-travel solution. Back to the tainted steak.

Contador. Is time travel the answer?

Alberto Contador is in a world of pain in Pinto.

His career, yellow jersey and his multi million dollar future hang in the balance.

Damn, that horrible day, that infernal rest day, July 21st in Pau. He’s had no rest since, goddamn it.

If only there was a way to go back and fix it all. To undo all the miserable events that followed, the accusations, the insults, the damage to his image, UCI president Pat McQuaid calling him at midnight in a panic to tell him to keep quiet, the tears in his mother’s eyes.

That despicable, horrendous, crappy day.

How he wishes he could simply roll back time, bend it around, execute a chronological u-turn and arrive back at the training table when that clenbuterol-infected steak hits the plate and he reaches for the knife.

Should a man lose his life, his livelihood, his closet of yellow jerseys over an accidental trace? A minute, barely measurable trace only the manically diligent lab people in Cologne could find?

Maybe, just maybe, there’s a way out of this world of pain. Hope has not left the building and Alberto Contador may just have a solution and we have it just in time.

Yes, the time travel experts at the Echo Park Time Travel Mart in Los Angeles will surely have the answer. First he’ll need to drink a Time Freezy Hyper Slush and be on his way back to Pau, July 21st for a nice training table meal of … steamed vegetables. As the store slogan says, “Wherever you are, we’re already then.”

Like the biological passport, the possibility of time travel has come a long, long way. Another solution would be for Contador to borrow the magic hot tub from the soon to be released comedy Hot Tub Time Machine. We’re guessing this moronic buddy picture rip-off of better time travel movies will exit theaters fast and the hot tub itself may be available for rent. Who wants kinked muscles during time travel, anyway?

Instead of stars John Cusak and his three pals, it could be Alberto, Brother Fran, loyal domestique Daniel Navarro and Kazakh Alexandre Vinkourov going back in time to Pau to deal with meatgate and a few historical dope charges. Now, that’s a great movie.

Vino will be making a second time-space stop to alter the circumstances of his 2007 blood transfusion bust. Is this theoretically possible, you ask? As the huge banner at the start of this year’s Tour de France in Rotterdam proclaimed: “Quand tu veux, tu peux.” That’s right, baby, it’s five time winner Bernard Hinault talking — “when you want, you can.” That’s the kind of thinking that grabs the hand of time in a choke hold and forces it back.

If all this sounds a little far fetched, maybe you should start listening to the specialists. No, not Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwood. We’re talking about wheelchair genius astrophysicist Stephen Hawking. He thinks time travel is possible into the future but questions the ability to reverse time and travel back using Einstein’s wormholes. Note however, he didn’t really say no, he was just lukewarm.

Again, if you’re Alberto Contador and you seriously need to get back to Pau, July 21. 2010, who are you taking advice from — Hawking or Hinault? And Bernard works for ASO which runs the Tour de France — in other words, he’s got serious credentials — not just some wacky cosmologist with his head in the stars.  If the Badger gives a thumbs up on a post-tour crit deep dive into some wormhole, why hesitate?

Scientists claim wormholes might exist in the fabric of space-time but they’re so infinitesimally microscopic that nobody including the UCI and WADA has ever seen them. That doesn’t mean that Alberto’s brother Fran isn’t making calls to top Spanish physicists to locate one.

Alberto Eeistein (yes, note the similar first name) wrote the famous explain-the-universe equation E=Mc2 and a few adjustments make it clear that reversing time is indeed possible. If E is exoneration, M is meat, C is clenbuterol and 2 symbolizes the time travel question, “where to?” then Contador can book his reverse tickets to Pau, July 21st. Tell Saxo Bank to keep the funds available because El Pistolero is back firing bullets.

(Just a curious aside: if Contador had signed with BMC, not Saxo, this would be an infinitely easier task since he’d already to riding a Time Machine BMC frame. But that’s history and we’re moving forward or rather back in time. Food for thought however.)

While Hawking and Hinault may disagree, let’s examine what other experts have theorized about slipping through a wormhole back to France on that fateful day to deal with substandard Spanish meat.

“Wormholes are the future, wormholes are the past,” said Michio Kaku, author of “Hyperspace” and “Parallel Worlds” and a physicist at the City University of New York. “But we have to be very careful. The gasoline necessary to energize a time machine is far beyond anything that we can assemble with today’s technology.”

Now, that would seem to be a real downer no vote from Kaku but his follow-up is really the crucial statement: “To punch a hole into the fabric of space-time would require the energy of a star or negative energy, an exotic entity with an energy of less than nothing,” said Kaku. Bingo to the power of 1000.  Is there any question that Alberto Contador is the biggest “star” in cycling and therefore possesses the required energy to punch his own wormhole? Damn straight.

Time travel is not for the soft pedaling Hamlet, to go back or not go back. You want to mess with time, bring a cyborg. Alberto Contador would do well in investigate the time reverse scenarios presented in the Terminator series. On the face of it, the plot’s temporal anomaly is absurd but closer examination once again opens the mind and spins back the clock.

We quote from a helpful sci-fi website on the possibilities presented by the N-Jump. “In an N-Jump, time extending from the past reaches point A, the point in time to which a traveler from the future will return, and beyond to point B, the point from which the traveler leaves for the past.  During this segment of the time line, no changes have been made; it is the original unaltered sequence of events.  When our traveler leaves point B, that time line ends–the history based on the A-B segment cannot progress, because the instant the traveler reaches point A, it is changed by his presence, and is re-named point C; this creates an alternate C-D timeline, with D being the same point in time as B.  If at point D, the traveler can and does return to point C with the same intentions, history is able to continue into the future.  This is an N-Jump.”

By the way, if you actually understood that numero mumbo-jumbo you have the skills to build a time machine and drive it around the universe. All we’re saying is, this ins’t necessarily rocket science — any Spanish ProTour rider with a working understanding of wormholes, theoretical physics and quantum mechanics can dial back time with a few supplies from the hardware store or — as previously noted — a hot-wired hot tub.

We say, whatever works. By the time the UCI and WADAand CAS figure the Contador doping case out, time itself have have stopped. If Alberto wants to take this clebuterol controversy by the horns, it’s time to go back to the beginning but fast.

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  • Mike

    Darn Matt isn't it *TIME* to start writing about the cyclo cross or MTB season???
    You lost me down the plug hole fo the Hot Tub!

    • Mike, I never write about something I\’ve never done and have no interest in. So no on the cyclecross. If I could clone myself I\’d maybe do some MTB stuff but there simply isn\’t enough time in the day.