Spanish Federation bans Mosquera for two years. Just kidding.

Mosquera. The pretend sanction.

Today in Madrid the Spanish Federation issued a two year ban on Ezequiel Mosquera for his positive doping test at last year’s Vuelta a España. The Spaniard had an adverse analytical finding for hydroxyethyl starch, often using as a masking agent for EPO.

However, like the initial one year ban proposed for native son Alberto Contador, this was just a pretend ruling. “We are working to make sure Mosquera goes free but in the meantime this will keep the UCI and media off balance and give us the pretense of objectivity,” said federation president Juan Antonio Loco.

Riding for the now-defunct Xacobeo Galicia squad, Mosquera waged a heroic battle in last year’s Vuelta against eventual winner Vincenzo Nibali. He then signed a new contract with Vacansoleil-DCM shortly before the announcement of his positive test for hydroxyethyl starch.

Mosquera was not surprised by the two year ban from his own cycling federation. “They told me not to worry, that everything would turn out okay. They just said two years so Patrick McQuaid did not start yelling about Spain being a dope haven,” said Mosquera. “I am tranquillo and training well.”

The UCI and WADA however are keeping an even closer eye on the proceedings after the fake ban on Alberto Contador. The Spanish Federation flip-flopped just weeks later and absolved Contador of all doping charges.

“We smell bullshit. We might as well buy our plane tickets to Lausanne and CAS right now,” said UCI spokesman Hein Sightzen. “You were fooled once but not twice. Mosquera’s story is as rotten as a clenbuterol-laced steak.”

While there is no political pressure in Spain to free Mosquera, the country’s president Jose Luis  Zapatero is apparently ready to tweet support when needed.

A twitter pardon may not be needed in this case, according to Loco. “We are having fun this time. We learned how to beat the UCI with Contador. The Mosquera case will be easy by comparison. We have promised them an open and honest verdict but they are such suckers,” said the president.

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  • Steve

    Truth is, with all the craziness of the UCI and national federations (along with Twisted's clever writing), it's hard to tell what is real vs. satire. Perhaps you should put a little footnote at the bottom to let us know.

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com TwistedSpoke

      Steve, the footnote would ruin everything. As you rightly noted, the world of cycling is so twisted up that my writing fits right in. We're the Onion of cyling news. As long as Pat McQuaid and the Spanish cycling federation are around, we'll have plenty of comedic material to work with. Matt

  • David

    @Matt. A footnote would ruin everything? Huh? The headline for this article says "Just Kidding." Yeah, a footnote would 'ruin everything'.

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com TwistedSpoke

      David, you'd be surprised how easily people take what I write as the real, honest news. I don't want to wreck that because that's the trick. Matt

  • David

    I get that. But this site is The Onion of the cycling world. Starting a parody with the headline "This is in jest" ruins the whole thing. The Onion is good because they play everything straight. Let the knuckleheads be duped by a headline. Anyone who follows cycling knows that the Spanish federation would have sooner let Osama bin Laden hide out in the back room of its headquarters than indict a Spanish rider.

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com TwistedSpoke

      Hey, that's a good post! I'll have to work on that Osama idea. Matt