On stage 3 of the Dubai Tour, we learned a few crucial things about Astana’s Andriy Grivko. He’s volatile, crazy, has a death wish and is unable to do the smart thing in a bar fight — find someone your own size to sucker punch.
Marcel Kittel is a massive, muscled six-foot-two and 190 pounds. If you’re going to hit him, don’t bother because the only thing taking him down is several shots from an elephant rifle. Grivko versus Kittel is like hamster versus Bengal tiger.
Things go heated in the desert and then they got windy and sandy, the echelons formed and riders took bad risks and Kittel, being the big sprint boss, yelled out a few pointed, corrective remarks. Grivko took issue and punched him in the face. Dumb-ass meets jackass, thrown out of race, goodbye Grivko.
Kittel wants a six month suspension and if I’m Grivko I’m already in a witness protection plan somewhere on the other side of the planet. I’m going underground, changing my name, my hair color, my voice. I’m getting a sex change, calling myself Cindy and wearing big sunglasses so nobody can see my eyes.
I’m taking out a very large insurance policy on my life. I’m digging a very deep hole in the ground and crawling in it.
Seriously, what was Grivko thinking? Put the Ukrainian in a cage match with Kittel and he wouldn’t last the first minute of the first round. Kittel was rip Grivko’s arms and legs off, tear out his heart and eat his eyeballs.
Do not ever sucker punch Marcel Kittel unless you plan to retire in a wheel chair, having your spine turned into jelly.
If I’m Grivko, I’m begging team boss Alexander Vinokourov to give Kittel a large financial bribe to make this go away. Vino, what’s Grivko’s life worth?