Note to Tila Tequila: football players are dangerous. Date a pro cyclist.

Pro cyclists: sexy and safer.

Pro cyclists: sexy and safer.

When the news hit that San Diego Chargers star linebacker Shawne Merriman had allegedly choked his girlfriend, singer, reality show star and sex toy Lila Tequila, Twisted Spoke was forced to step in.

Let’s look at the stats (and maybe the Playboy spread) and make a pronouncement. Tila in a tasteful sequined thong weighs less than 100 pounds and is barely 5 feet tall.  Shawne Merrimen is 6’4″ and 265 pounds of NFL brutality. We don’t know what Tila, a cover girl for Street Tuner and Maxim, can bench press but we’re guessing the answer: not much.

So we’re offering up some advice to this sweet Vietnamese girl from Houston, Texas — the star of MTV’s A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. We’re going to get the girl formerly known as Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen back on track. We’re reaching out to the babe behind TilaFashion — “so hot you’ll want to take it off.” Is it too late? We hope that’s not the case. Because the sassy girl at the aptly named Tila’s Hot Spot is just trying to make her way in the Hollywood shark tank.

The big message? Don’t date massive, violent football players. They don’t give Shawne Merrimen the nickname Lights Out because he enjoys hitting the dimmer switch, running a bubble bath and getting romantic. Our professional opinion is: date a professional cyclist.

There are so many reasons this former Hooters Girl would be happier with a pro rider. For example, any top Tour de France climber is a safe bet and no threat to your health. They’re practically emaciated with skinny arms and legs.

These guys don’t lift weights, they barely weigh over 150 and when they’re off the bike, all they do is lay on the couch exhausted, barely able to speak after a 5 hour training ride. In other words, they make the least dangerous boyfriend possible while still bringing in a sizable income. Plus they know how to make a terrific espresso.

Guys like Contador, Valverde and Schleck are huge stars. You’ll still get the party invites, the photo ops, the glamourous lifestyle of the rich and famous without… pay close attention here, the dangers of domestic abuse.

Tila, the tour of Spain is on right now. The Vuelta a Espana, sugar. It’s fantastic and loaded with skinny guys who need a new girlfriend like you. Catch the next plane to Madrid. It’s time to turn your life around.

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  • http://tilatequilabiography.com/ Tila Tequila Biograp

    It took me a long time for this page to load, i dont think its cause my pc is slow cause I got fast internet, taught I might let the owner know. At least i got what I was looking for haha thanks !