Mario Cipollini the new tutor at Katusha.

Super Mario goes Russion.

Super Mario has gone over to the Russians.

According to news reports, Katusha manager Andre Tchmil signed up the  former Lion King to work with his Russian sprinters.

“Everybody knew his ability as a sprinter when he used to race, so I think his experience will give us something extra. He will be the master of our young, talented riders in our Global Project,” said Tchmil in a statement issued by the team.

While Tchmil did not go into specifics on what the former world champion will teach the impressionable Russian youth, Twisted Spoke has a few ideas:

1)  Kissing podium girls the Italian way.

2)  Spraying champagne 101. (Remember, it’s not vodka!)

3)  Nickname do’s and don’ts. How to create a signature name the media loves.

4)  Hairstyles for winners. Special invitee Danilo di Luca explains how to get “the look.”

5)  Peloton Italian. Essential basics like “I’m so sexy,” “where is the orgy?” and “wake me up when we get to the last 1000 meters.”

6)  How to talk about yourself in the 3rd person.

7)  Shopping for Italian shoes.

8)  Girlfriends: how many is too many and what to tell the wife.

9)  Creating controversy. When and how: the art of the self-centered media buzz.

10) Tax evasion basics. How Monaco works.

11) Team bus sex. Advice from the master on getting busy on the bus.

12) Kissing podium girls. Advanced techniques.

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  • leif

    Great piece!
    Here are a few more.

    Strategies of intimidation. Accentuate your man package.
    Strategies of distraction. Wear the craziest skin suit you can find.

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com TwistedSpoke

      Hi Leif, good, like those ideas. He does like showing off his package. Matt

  • Ricola

    Hahahah this post is EPIC!

    It's great to see Danilo di Luca has been invited too, because without his true Italian hair advice (not this crazy Pellizotti toilet-brush) it will not work. Furthermore, after this Cipollini crash course, the kisses given by Katusha riders will make the podium girls their water-proof lipstick wear off easily.

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com TwistedSpoke

      Ricola, I had no idea the pdium girls wore champagene proof lipstick. Good to know that, thanks, Matt

  • Ron

    I hope the team all speak Italian because I dont think Mario speaks any English except for the work "push" which I heard him say quite a lot while ridding up Brasstown Bald in the Tour of Georgia a few years back! But then again, he's not hired for his mountain climbing abilites, is he?