Lance Armstrong tired of being tried.

Armstrong tire? Hell yeah.

Does the Boss need a good laugh?

As the trolls and Federal agents and tabloid journalists close in on the seven-time Tour de France hero and champion, we happened across one of Armstrong’s FRS healthy energy magazine ads.

“Tired of being tired?” It struck us as a deeply philosophical and ironic question. You’re damn right he’s tired —  he’s exhausted, sick, fed-up, disgusted, drained of all resources, explanations and no comments. Out of lawyers, alibis, defense strategies and effective spin.

Innocent or guilty, Armstrong must think he’s in chemo all over again. Doubled over on the floor, wondering when this crushing, bone-tired feeling goes away. Big Tex is so tired of being tried.

Floyd Landis is retired but Special Federal agent Jeff Novitzky is working overtime and has no plans of coming up empty. He wants a Texas hide on his wall and a LA notch on his belt. There’s no fatigue on his side and his boys are hustling like hyenas on crack.

Tired?

Lance Armstrong is so worn out by this whole doping thing he could sleep for a month. And if this FRS energy supplement really works, Juan Pelota must be downing it by the case.

He’s more tired of these doping allegations than if he’d ridden Alp d’Huez six times in one day. Sure, the Honey Stinger waffles give him a small morning boost but not enough to reverse the chronic fatigue he suffers. The same questions over and over and over again, year after year, legal case after case, court settlement after settlement. How many Michelob Lites can a man drink before he forgets?

It gets old, he’s getting old and when is that freakin’ old English geezer David Walsh gonna croak? As the boss likes to say, he’s the most tested athlete in the world. Just saying that wears you down.

Now even Sports Illustrated, the biggest sports magazine in the United States, makes the case against him. Where is Robin Williams and Ben Stiller? This stopped being funny a long time ago. Where’s Bono and Desmond Tutu for some helpful advice. Even the happy Sheryl Crowe songs now sound so sad.

Tired? This is the definite, life-threatening bonk.

Sure, Lance puts a good face on it — says he never thinks about it, life goes on, Livestrong keeps him busy, better things do to. We appreciate the stiff upper lip but he’s human and worn down, wiped out and weary beyond words and energy supplements.

He’s tried, Lord knows he’s tried to put these doping allegations to rest. But the story is unavoidble: Lance Armstrong is tired of being tried.

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  • Mick

    Damn…Lance can't give up yet…Time to refocus…Set new goals…Clean slate…
    He's only banged 50% of the Olsen twins…
    and I just found out they have a younger sister…
    Nut up Lance, there's still work to do…
    Someone call McConaughey stat…
    a few shirtless Malibu jogs and he'll be a new man.

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com TwistedSpoke

      Mick, you are on the freakin' case. Hilarious. That's right — retirement and a federal investigation is no reason not to bang the other Olsen twin. Keep me up on this story. Matt

  • Jay T

    f&^# man, you're a good f&*#ing writer. Seriously. Love this blog!

    • http://www.atwistedspoke.com TwistedSpoke

      Jay T, every Wednesday for the next few months I want you to repeat that compliment. Keeps me writing. Matt

  • Jay T

    Deal