Lance and Landis show. Episode one thriller!

Novitzky. I shall dig until justice is done.

The plot thickens. boys and girls.

The hottest show in or out of Hollywood, the must-see con-tro-ver-see launched a few weeks ago with a fantastic pilot. Critics and fans alike agree the new Lance & Landis show is the dopest show in cycling.

Episode one proved to be everything we were hoping for and dreaming about with plenty of action, unexpected twists and turns, a new character or two and most of all, a riveting drama that promises to redefine our meager definition of what a great doping story can be.

A quick synopsis of episode one for those who may have inconceivably missed the latest. Out of the gate with action packed tight. The pilot gave us former BALCO steroid investigator Jeff Novizky. An experienced and vicious dope hound who will take no bribe or spare no superstar ego in his search for the truth.

Episode one dialed up the drama with the exciting new character, Assistant US attorney Doug Miller. Yes, more cops, more guns on the case. Jeff & Doug, a dope digging tag team that just might put the fear of Landis in Lance Armstrong.

This is what creative story telling is all about, upping the ante, raising the stakes. Is big Tex going down as a vengeful Floyd Landis told friends? This is twice as good as Twilight with potentially more blood. Chapeau to whoever.

And who’s this star character stepping into episode one but the always entertaining president of the UCI — Patrick “Hot Air” McQuaid. A veteran talent, Pat is always at the center of any major cycling controversy as nominal and always comical head of the non-governing body, the UCI. Or as Joe Linsey of Bicycling Magazine calls the UCI: Uniformly Clumsy and Incompetent

The blustery irishman — whose blowhard statements often sound like he does his interviews after four happy hours —  jumped into the action with both feet and no thought. You have you respect that level of cluelessness. Casting, ladies and gentlemen, it makes or breaks a show and the Lance & Landis show is fanatically brilliant about casting.

Since he is the president of a governing body, a viewing audience expects a certain professional attitude and objectivity. Forget that cycling savants — McQuaid essentially said Armstrong is innocent and Landis is a pathetic liar. Again, drama to the max.

“Landis is just bitter and is claiming that all these guys doped because he got caught doping and thinks that other people got away with it. He thinks he was selected to be caught but he denied doping for four years and now he’s saying the total opposite,” said Paddy.

Is that not high quality conflict? A man who is head of the agency asking for cycling federations to investigate the Landis charges then going on record as saying said investigation is pointless.

And then, fans of true intrigue, the Lance & Landis show served up another McQuaid bombshell with the supposed $100,000 Armstrong bride to cover up a positive dope test. And here we have Pat claiming that’s no conflict of interest and claiming Landis is a bitter loser. This is why you and I don’t work in Hollywood. Stuff this good only comes from professional story tellers. Again, chapeau to whoever.

That was all the intense intrigue our small brains could possibly comprehend but the Lance & Landis show is setting new standards for dope drama. In hindsight, the four year Valverde show brought to you by Operacion Puerto looks like a lame sitcom by comparison.

In a stroke of withering brilliance, the writers of the show pulled in Lance hater and three-time Tour de France winner Greg Lemond.

He’s now joining forces with former enemy Floyd Landis in a two-pronged attack on the hallowed world of Lance. This is the kind of Michelangelo Moment that stuns you with majestic beauty and wins an academy award. This is taking an old nemesis, throwing him in with an enemy who’s now an ally and — in true buddy picture format — them going after big Tex. We bow down in respect.

A few years ago a Landis associate was making threatening calls to Lemond about exposing the story of Lemond’s sexual abuse and now they’re fast friends and polling resources, war chests and lawyers.

Does this have our hero Lance Armstrong turning beet red and frothing at the mouth? You bet it does. This is just episode one, folks, and we are rockin’ so hard my body is vibrating with adrenaline and excitment.

Mad Men is a great show, the Sopranos was a great show, Six Feet Under, a great show. But we’re sitting on a powder keg of such awesome dramatic potential. The Lance & Landis show is ready for episode two and I am on the edge of my seat hyperventilating with anticipation.

Disclaimer: Twisted Spoke makes no claims of guilt or innocence or the validity of legal testimony or arguments. This is strictly a wildly imagined piece of creative writing. No actual events used in the making of this post. We’re just enjoying the best show that isn’t on TV.

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