In an era of half measures, glacial reform, betrayed whistleblowers and corrupt and blind anti-doping officials, a new organization is taking shape.
Based on London, the new Nation Anti-Doping Association (NADA) will begin operations in late September. The mission: To ignore and disregard clean athletes everywhere.
“We’re not even pretending to fight doping. We’re not even going to bother with mush-mouth platitudes about the importance of clean sport,” said NADA’s president Sergio Watkins. “We plan to fight doping by doing absolutely nothing, zero, that’s NADA.
Formed in the contentious aftermath of the International Olympic Committee’s bunging of the Russian doping scandal and the half hearted, slow moving investigations by WADA, NADA intends to fill a vacuum.
“You have all these cynical lying people saying they’re fighting doping when in fact they’re encouraging it,” said Watkins. “We think we can do better. We think we can do nothing. Why even bother with the pretense?”
The new organization has promised full transparency and accountability. “We’re saying we can’t help clean athletes. Make no mistake about that. We’re very clear about our mandate,” said Watkins. “Nobody will take us to task for failing to protect athletes when we’re not doing anything in the first place. In that respect, we are beyond reproach and have 100% integrity.
NADA already has a strict code in place for addressing the issue of anti-doping. “We see nothing, we say nothing, we do nothing. That’s our credo. It’s the only way forward. Somebody in the fifth agains doping has to say what they mean and mean what they say. We plan to do squat for clean athletes,” insisted Watkins.
Reached for comment, Travis Tygart, head of the United States Anti-doping Agency (USADA) was nearly speechless. “Well, at least we know where they stand right? NADA is going to do nothing,” said Tygart. “In that respect, they aren’t that different from a lot of the other organizations.”
WADA, not to be confused with its new cousin NADA, has openly questioned what NADA will do. “This is just confusing, really. WADA, NADA — is this some kind of joke?” said Patrice Leblague, a spokesman for WADA. “We are happy to work with them except we have no idea what they plan to accomplish.”
That response is music to the ears of NADA’s Watkins. “Exactly. We’re not going to accomplish anything with respect to the fight against doping. That’s the whole point! We’re just another group of over-paid bureaucrats sitting around who have no intention of fixing anything. That is NADA in a nutshell.”