I’m not doping. My mom actually drugged me.

Mom, it’s all your fault.

What to say about 22-year-old Michael Bresciani’s doping positive in his first race for his doped Bardiani-CSF squad.

His explanation, depending on your mood and sense of humor, was any number of things: hilarious, pathetic, absurd, theatrical, bizarre or simply wonderfully Italian. “I know I haven’t done anything wrong. The problem is that my mother takes Lasix (a brand name for furosemide) at meal times. While she was dividing the tablets it must have got into my plate,” Bresciani told La Gazzetta dello Sport.

Yes, that’s a totally believable scenario –” I wasn’t doping. That diuretic furosemide masking agent just somehow fell into my pasta primavera or was it the gelato or the caprese salad? Who knows, these pills are so tiny and they are always falling into my meals. Perhaps it was at breakfast or lunch, really, I’m an innocent man.” That’s what I imagine  Bresciani saying.

And we’re incredibly gullible is also what he seems to be saying. You have to appreciate the creative fabrication, the desperate need to concoct any excuse, the sheer industrial strength cynicism that goes along with this magnitude of hoax.

Michael Bresciani, we’re not buying your laughable explanation. And besides the wacko excuse, there’s the general level of filth on your Bardiani-CSF squad. Nicola Ruffoni and Stefano Pirazzi tested positive for GH-Releasing Peptides a month before the team presentation at the start of this year’s Giro d’Italia. Bardiani-CSF had to sit out a month of racing — and put their pills in pill bottles with tighter lids.

Perhaps Nicola and Stefano also had mothers who somehow lets their pills fall into the son’s pasta. That’s some sloppy work in the kitchen or at the dinner table. Mamma Mia!!!! Perhaps the Lasix pills are like Mexican jumping beans, littering hopping and bouncing their way into mixing bowls, pots and pans and pasta plates. These things happen, just like UFO’s and ghosts and other paranormal activities.

AT least we can appreciate that Bresciani didn’t bore us with a formulaic explanation. We’d take a month off his ban on pure creativity. Perhaps we will eventually see him race again in the professional ranks. In the meantime, he really has to have a serious conversation with his mother about those amazing, wandering pills.

 

 

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