This the United States of America — we think big.
When we read the quote from BMC’s Brent Bookwalter about the long-shot American odds in the Men’s Road Race, we decided that was the wrong attitude.
No, we’re smarter than that, bolder, more resourceful and besides, we have a crap-ton of money, in Fort Knox. Gold bullion in fat gold brinks. Really, it’s a beautiful thing.
So let’s get right to the solution, because here in the States, we don’t whine and complain (unless you’re the president). No, we’re optimists, fixers, a can-do, why-not? culture. You see where I’m headed and you’re right behind me.
Yes, we need to make Peter Sagan an American citizen and put him in a team USA cycling kit and get him to the start line in Bergen, Norway. We’re not peloton fodder, folks. We’re winners, one way or another, we’re winners. Like I said, think big.
This shouldn’t be that hard if we set our minds to the task. Sagan loves the United States almost as much as he loves his native country of Slovakia. And you know what — he can always call Slovakia home even when he’s an American citizen.
Look where Sagan is in May every single year: California. That’s right, he loves the Golden State. He’s won 16 stages in the Tour of California and even the overall title a few years back. He was made for California and being a showman, who doesn’t want to be in the same country as Hollywood?
So we make the pitch, straight-up, cash and house in California, citizenship for Pete and his beautiful wife, a three picture deal — two live action, one animation and part ownership of a Sonoma winery. All this in return for American citizenship and the big “Go USA! win in Bergen.
Is that a yes? We’re feeling it. Of sure, the crazy president insists on tightening immigration but really this is a no-brainer (not that he has much of one) for Trump. The Donald loves a winner and Sagan racked up his 100th win just last week.
That’s how this should all go down. A few phone calls, some red tape cut, some regulations adjusted, some large chunks of money and real estate changing hands and bang, Sagan is a citizen and the US is the favorite for gold.
The fact is, we gotta fix that Bookwalter quote ASAP. What he should have said is, “Yeah, we got this Worlds in the bag — we got that new American Sagan.
Let’s get to work, people.
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